I've recently been struggling with my weight. Now, I'm not drastically overweight by any means but I'm "pudgy" as said by my extremely honest boyfriend. I have no issue with him saying this because it's not derogatory or mean-spirited in any way, he's just honest. My issue is losing weight the way I want to...I'm very used to weight lifting and I'm good at it honestly. I could bulk up in a hurry if I wanted to but I want to trim down. This requires cardio, which I dislike highly. This also requires me to alter my eating. Not fun.
My main issue comes in that I'm fighting a difficult battle of feelings between being happy with myself the way I am, which at moments I am truly. The other side is wanting to be something perfect for someone I love, who will love me no matter what, but I still think I need to be better. What do I do? Being happy with myself leads to being sedentary and pudgy and being overly critical leads to 3 hour work out sessions. Is there a good middle ground? I'm sure there is but I've never been much of a middle ground type of gal.
I have two types of influences telling me that I'm beautiful the way I am. More and more models out there aren't stick thin anymore, less airbrushing shows flaws we all know they had but never had the opportunity to see. Then I have the skinny well toned model types making me think that, yes! I too can have my abs back the way they were before my son was born. I know they're under there...I saw them after basic training but apparently they are shy now again.
What would be my plan of action in a perfect world? Weight train until all the fat was gone and alter my diet to maintain. This is, however, not a perfect world. If I did that I'd end up built like an MMA fighter in a couple months time and my boyfriend would probably wonder if he should now fear for his life when we play wrestle. So, what does that leave me with? Cardio...cardio...and more cardio. I may just have to bite the bullet and get an Ipod or something. I think I should at least get a headset so I can watch the TV's attached to the damn workout machines. Silent "america's funniest videos" isn't nearly as entertaining as it is with sound.
Monday, May 10, 2010
Thursday, May 6, 2010
I'm a fighter not a lover...
I've had to deal with a difficult situation lately that makes me realize a couple of things. I've come a long way emotionally and everything really does happen for a reason. I'm not exactly someone who believes in fate, or love at first sight, or soul mates or really anything that dictates something is out of my control. I'm a Taurus, we're not fond of change and especially not fond of change that we can't claim credit for and accept grudgingly because we know it's for the best.
I had to compromise. I hate compromise. Hate isn't a good word for it...it's more like abhor. I say compromise with the same deep and utter loathing that I have when I talk about getting an IV put in or being seen in a bikini. I had to compromise on a situation that makes me want to shake and vomit every time I think about it. Why did I do it? Because I love my boyfriend and I am starting to believe that every crappy relationship I've been in has happened to prepare me to not screw this one up. I apparently needed A LOT of prep time.
If you were to ask my ex-husband about my compromising abilities he would probably tell you that I have none, he would have been correct. If you asked him about my temper he would say I have a big one, he would also be correct. Many of his observations about me would probably be correct but having had the time to sit back and think about all the things I did wrong and all the thing he did wrong I've come to the conclusion that we both probably needed to learn a very hard lesson and did.
Here is my list of things I've learned from my past:
1) I'm not always right, I will always think I'm right but on the rare occasion that I'm wrong I have to admit it.
2) Compromise is essential. If you can't do it, you will end up alone.
3) Don't talk all the time...women...seriously. Ask questions, if they're quiet, which my guy is, ask about things they like: Cars, Paintball, Video Games.
3.5) Learn about those things they like and try to like them too. Even if they never do the same for you they will realize you've done that for them someday.
4) Most men suck at making romantic gestures. If you have one that can pull of a sweet birthday gift or leaves you a handmade card at the top of the stairs, cherish him. If you have one that can't, try and remember that he does what he can. Not everyone is romantic.
5) I always thought it was sappy and dumb but don't let the spark die. Email each other sweet things once in a while.
6) Pick your battles. If you fight with your man all the time it won't mean a damn thing when you fight with him about something important, it will just be another fight.
7) Women who cry to get their way often get their way. I'm not a crying type of person, I could choke a horse with logic and I'm far happier if I get what I want because it makes sense than because I cried.
8) No one likes a know-it-all. You'd be hard pressed to ever beat me a trivia game but I've lost once or twice to see someone smile. It was well worth a little hurt pride.
9) Time does heal all wounds. Sometimes, those wounds heal long after the fire that burned the bridge has died out. When it heals it's okay to leave that bridge down though. Connections don't have to be restored and sometimes are best left alone.
10) No one is perfect. Never convince yourself someone is perfect for you, you won't have to. You'll just know. I did. It will take work and time and patience but I've never had anything worth having that didn't require all those things and more.
When I was younger I was an uncompromising, free-spirited, powder-keg of a redhead. I wouldn't have budged on anything to save my life...and why? Because I felt like if I compromised I was letting someone change who I was. I HAD to be right, even when I KNEW I was wrong. Lord help you if you said I was wrong and I was actually right...there are many dead, well-beaten horse corpses along my road. I napalmed whole towns to get the bridge to burn, most of which didn't need burning in the first place. Life was all or nothing.
And as I recently told a Friend who asked me how I was so smart, it's not intelligence that I'm speaking from it's experience and only experience can make you wise. I don't claim to know it all but I've learned quite a bit from my mistakes. This is why I advocate people make mistakes, you won't ever truly learn from anyone's mistakes but your own.
I had to compromise. I hate compromise. Hate isn't a good word for it...it's more like abhor. I say compromise with the same deep and utter loathing that I have when I talk about getting an IV put in or being seen in a bikini. I had to compromise on a situation that makes me want to shake and vomit every time I think about it. Why did I do it? Because I love my boyfriend and I am starting to believe that every crappy relationship I've been in has happened to prepare me to not screw this one up. I apparently needed A LOT of prep time.
If you were to ask my ex-husband about my compromising abilities he would probably tell you that I have none, he would have been correct. If you asked him about my temper he would say I have a big one, he would also be correct. Many of his observations about me would probably be correct but having had the time to sit back and think about all the things I did wrong and all the thing he did wrong I've come to the conclusion that we both probably needed to learn a very hard lesson and did.
Here is my list of things I've learned from my past:
1) I'm not always right, I will always think I'm right but on the rare occasion that I'm wrong I have to admit it.
2) Compromise is essential. If you can't do it, you will end up alone.
3) Don't talk all the time...women...seriously. Ask questions, if they're quiet, which my guy is, ask about things they like: Cars, Paintball, Video Games.
3.5) Learn about those things they like and try to like them too. Even if they never do the same for you they will realize you've done that for them someday.
4) Most men suck at making romantic gestures. If you have one that can pull of a sweet birthday gift or leaves you a handmade card at the top of the stairs, cherish him. If you have one that can't, try and remember that he does what he can. Not everyone is romantic.
5) I always thought it was sappy and dumb but don't let the spark die. Email each other sweet things once in a while.
6) Pick your battles. If you fight with your man all the time it won't mean a damn thing when you fight with him about something important, it will just be another fight.
7) Women who cry to get their way often get their way. I'm not a crying type of person, I could choke a horse with logic and I'm far happier if I get what I want because it makes sense than because I cried.
8) No one likes a know-it-all. You'd be hard pressed to ever beat me a trivia game but I've lost once or twice to see someone smile. It was well worth a little hurt pride.
9) Time does heal all wounds. Sometimes, those wounds heal long after the fire that burned the bridge has died out. When it heals it's okay to leave that bridge down though. Connections don't have to be restored and sometimes are best left alone.
10) No one is perfect. Never convince yourself someone is perfect for you, you won't have to. You'll just know. I did. It will take work and time and patience but I've never had anything worth having that didn't require all those things and more.
When I was younger I was an uncompromising, free-spirited, powder-keg of a redhead. I wouldn't have budged on anything to save my life...and why? Because I felt like if I compromised I was letting someone change who I was. I HAD to be right, even when I KNEW I was wrong. Lord help you if you said I was wrong and I was actually right...there are many dead, well-beaten horse corpses along my road. I napalmed whole towns to get the bridge to burn, most of which didn't need burning in the first place. Life was all or nothing.
And as I recently told a Friend who asked me how I was so smart, it's not intelligence that I'm speaking from it's experience and only experience can make you wise. I don't claim to know it all but I've learned quite a bit from my mistakes. This is why I advocate people make mistakes, you won't ever truly learn from anyone's mistakes but your own.
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